For the Glorious Sun, I Rise

I scream silently again and again, to no avail.
Listening for comfort, yet naught but scorn echoes within.
Lonely and alone in a grave I dug myself
I stare at the white death
The coffin’s lid a paper meant for life.

This is not what I was meant to do,
Not what I wanted, nor that was asked of me,
A wasted time, the effort a loss for all.

Shadowy words whirl within my chest,
The skating voices etching across my heart:
Disappointment, Leech, Dumbass, Lazy, Fool, Failure
Words unspoken, yet whispered from souls surrounding.

How can I fight when I cannot see, cannot touch?
Silent thoughts cannot be reasoned with,
To justify acts is to pervert the conscience,
and suffocate the only voice of warning.
Yet I am the broken, how can I fix myself?
If I am the sick, how can I heal?

Surely I ought to be returned:
Shipped back to my manufactuer,
My warranty to be redeemed.

And yet he says no,
He’s sent his best mechanic,
I’ll receive personal care.

And I argue that I am too weak,
Too broken to use, Corrupted.
Iredeemable, worthless, evil.
How can this brokenness be fixed?

“Trust me”, he says.
“I can’t”, I say, “I’m sorry. I can’t”.

The music rolls around and I face it again
Time spins on and I’m flattened all the same
I wish I could break this cycle
I wish I could set myself free
But the price is to change all that is me

Is it worth it to become different,
To throw away what I know?
My comfort surrounds me, a barrier tearing me apart
I want to bring it down, but don’t know where to start.

When I try to alter my course, when I try to change my path
I soon fall and grind into the rut again
Nothing changes, my fear looms before me

But driven back to my pit of despair,
I find only the bones of my past mistakes
Lifting a scattered skull I see
We share the same face.

I have been here before.
I am here now.
I cry to think that I will be here again.

No more, I say, no more.
I cannot live this future.
This will not be my life.
I will not pay this price.

"I cannot trust you," I say, "I cannot trust myself.
Yet I cannot do this alone, so help, please.
And when I fall, catch me, and help me to stand again."
And then winking he says, "I already have.
Have courage. Now go forth, and walk."

So I make again to climb
Not knowing, but hoping
That when I fall it is from a greater height,
And when I break it is into fewer pieces
That one day I will reach the top,
And stand again in the glorious sun.