Journals14
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The Resolve to Carry Forwards
2 min read
I don't doubt that by now many inboxes have been filled with "New Years" journals, so I'll keep this short (we all know it'd be short anyway, but the excuse is there so I'm taking it.) This hardly a brand new one, given it's right in the middle of the academic year, but it's the beginning of my last and final term of study.
Resolutions:
- Spend more time, quality time, with friends. The very people that make life worth living and enduring. I haven't always treated them the best, but our friendships validate my existence. Going to build stronger bonds.
- Graduate, if not with accolades, then at least with pride. I'm going to slam the cap on these past five years, and start a new bottle.
- Find employment and start building a life. I'm going to need to figure out where I live soon enough, too.
- Fill my life with colour. Whether it be textual, graphical, or musical, I want to start giving back to all the art I've been gorging. We all have a means. I need to find mine.
And as a challenge to myself from here 'til I die (wow that's morbid),
- Find my heart. I need to discover who I am and what I really want from life. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see a stranger staring back. I need to befriend that dude and get to know him, quirks and all, good and bad. I need to find what makes me, me.
Self reflection only gets you so far though, so here's an added challenge for those of you who've managed to reach this far.
- Who am I? If you know me- if you think you can pin me down and define me, then tell me below who I am. What is my interest, my goals? What encompasses my nature, good or bad? Who am I?
It's a brand new day, and the sun is high. All the birds are singing...
Have a good, new year everybody.
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New School Year
1 min read
It's that time again. New opportunities. Hell if I'll let it turn out like last year. Kita-kon www.kita-kon.org/ will be commencing in three days, and I hope to have a God-Tier Dave triple-choco-chibi.deviantart.… cosplay done by then (HABanime's tutorial habanime.deviantart.com/art/Kn… has been very helpful!)
If this works, I'll take "ironic selfies" and post them for you nebulous internet viewers.
I'll get some painting done, and writing too!
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Shame (warning: angst ahead)
4 min read
Sometimes I wonder if anything's worth doing. I wonder if I have a drive for anything that's not all bright colours and happy sounds; a drive for anything important. It doesn't seem like it. Given many second chances I'll scuff them all and come back for more. I feel like I don't grow as a person, but rather get more and more expectations stacked on me when I feel like I'm drowning already. Drowning. I wish I could just drown in shame and have it over with but no, it's got to be an arduous, long, drawn-out process. I've been entrusted a task and I've failed to come through. Again. Tomorrow I'm going to walk into an office and disappoint someone. The anticipation is terrible. The disappointment is pretty much a forgone conclusion, but the fact that a good twelve hours remain until then that I'm unable to use effectively makes it worse.
The contemplation on where to move next from here begins eating up the next few precious hours and my conscience screams that I have to make a difference, but I have to struggle to bring myself to care. I don't know what I'm fighting for. Maybe it's the physical darkness around me, but I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it's there- I've heard stories and seen people touched by it, but I feel like I'm going to keel over and die before I make it there. My motivation comes and goes, angry defiance against the reality of the situation followed by crippling hopelessness and then back to anger, all spinning in my stomach. My gaze flips between tears of frustration and a hard yet brittle stance of determination. I just want out. I want it to end.
This behaviour is shameful. I know we all have our burdens and struggles, each person has their own fishbowl of problems to live in, but this is a self-made hell. I want desperately for someone to pull me out, to save me somehow, but I know that's not how it works. Getting pulled out is pointless if you can't breathe on your own. I need to learn how to climb out but I don't know how. Or maybe it's that I don't want to? They say you can't have your cake and eat it too, but I try so often to make it true. My promises of improvement are empty words, spawned from short-lived hope, made all the more hollow from wearing them thin. It's embarrassing, and in trying to hide my shame I shut out those few who might be able to help.
I want a do-over. I want a grand reset button to try this all again. It's no use though. I know I'd still do this all again. Sloth in making the hard choices means that you slide to whatever life has left for you. Sometimes I wish I could just quit life. I don't mean I want to die per se (though the thought crosses my mind with alarming frequency), but this thing called life... I sometimes wish it had never been given to me. It's a joy and blessing, and I really love being alive sometimes, but the rate at which I muck things up makes me wish someone else had been here instead.
Ah well. I didn't make this life, I was given it for free. I certainly can't return it. It's not my right to reject it or complain about how it's turned out. I have made my mistakes though, and those are my responsibility to clean up. I've only got one life to live, and someone's got to live it. May as well be me.
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August Update
1 min read
Well, it's been an interesting month so far. I've cut back on my prodigious reading rate and started churning out art thanks to Equestria Daily's Artist Training Ground event. While my quality may have dropped a bit as of late (so much so that I haven't yet uploaded some of the scrappier pieces) I'm hoping to bring it back up again.
I work so much more on things that I'm passionate about, not even just working longer but working better, so it's no surprise that Zero fav.me/d5as2hy came out looking nicer than the rest of the random prompts. Video games FTW!
For those who don't know me, I've had my jaw wired shut ever since the end of June. It was a trial and I subsisted on a liquid diet, which was a bit depressing at times. fav.me/d59fnyx is something I drew at the time and I'd say kind of represents what I was feeling.
For those who do know me, know that I've finally got the old cage undone! So now I'm feeling about as free as this guy fav.me/d59qwk1 Good times.
I work so much more on things that I'm passionate about, not even just working longer but working better, so it's no surprise that Zero fav.me/d5as2hy came out looking nicer than the rest of the random prompts. Video games FTW!
For those who don't know me, I've had my jaw wired shut ever since the end of June. It was a trial and I subsisted on a liquid diet, which was a bit depressing at times. fav.me/d59fnyx is something I drew at the time and I'd say kind of represents what I was feeling.
For those who do know me, know that I've finally got the old cage undone! So now I'm feeling about as free as this guy fav.me/d59qwk1 Good times.
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August Begins!
1 min read
I'm participating in the Artists' Training Grounds on Equestria Daily, so I should have more deviations out soon!
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